Here's to the Night

Its been quite a while since I put these thoughts to paper or screen. I honestly hope it's therapy for me somehow.

Ever wonder why I'm the way I am? Perhaps you have, or perhaps I'm being narcissistic and wanting to push my ego onto the world. Either way, I'm the way I am due to quite a few factors hitting me over the years. Let's go over them for grins.

I was married once, to a girl I swore I loved more than anything. Things happened, words were said, chasms were made. I'm not asking for forgiveness because I know I'm partially responsible for that blowing apart like it did. My own internal self-defense mechanisms caused me to shut down and napalmed it till that shit was dead. Well maybe it was for the best perhaps? All I know is I'm friends with Heather again after 12 years of her fading in the desert and there are no harbored issues.

I have a beautiful daughter, named Promise Alexis, who I love dearly. Sadly I haven't seen her face in 6 years. Suffice to say, her mother and I are not exactly on the same page or terms of treatment to each other that we should have been. I watched my soul break when I was sued into giving up joint custody and rights by her mother. Looking back I see one thing repeat itself. Me holding her on a plateau high and caving into her wishes every time I wanted to be a father. Ce La Vie? I just wish I had a band-aid or a way to fix the gaping hole inside me. I loved you Julia, and goddammit I still do.

I would add some things about New Jersey to the mix, but really, the state hadn't really done anything and for the record, neither did Janelle. She just did what came naturally to her. I won't shit on her for that, I just wonder why she kept me around for so long. Perhaps it was for the better? Who knows. I do know I miss the fine people I met there and I miss her family. Her aunts, uncles, and dad adored me and conversely I adored them.

Music, oh music, where would I be without you? Probably the same place I am now. Oh, what's that? I digress...

I'm bitter because I gave up my child because I have no fight left in me.
I'm sarcastic because I hate people and the things they are willing to do.
I'm mean because all I feel inside is pure pain and I want it out.
I love because I know that's the right thing to do.
I'm lonely because I'll never let anyone close to me like I let you...